I am 9 months pregnant. Or 8. Or something. Basically, let's just go with I'm within a month of having a baby. Over the past 8 or 9 months, I have discovered the "wonderful" world of pregnant women or, as I now see them, the bitchiest, most complaining, useless people that I have encountered. And seeing as I'm pregnant, I can actually say crap like that.
Maybe I should digress and explain my annoyances. As this is my first pregnancy, I am trying as hard as possible to learn everything I can about the process and eventual product. This is how I handle everything...I really don't like surprises. So, this has lead me to a wide variety of websites and what I now acknowledge as my guilty...pleasure...: One particular forum for women due in July of 2011. Now, I have never actually posted in this forum, but I visit it several times a day and find myself reading the drama ridden posts of pregnant women who feel like the world needs to hear their plight. Through this, I have learned the following about pregnant women:
-They apparently have no concept of time or are very, very forgetful. Now, last fall, we all ended up getting knocked up and, unless you are somehow completely unaware of basic facts, we knew that it would take 40 weeks to produce the eventual product. We counted down the weeks and, I always assumed that everyone knew the fraction was --/40. Apparently, everyone else forgot this as they are now "unable to stand another day" of being pregnant. But....you're only 35 weeks.....did you suddenly think that just because it got a little uncomfortable that the fraction would change to --/Whatever works for you? I would hate to eat the food these women cook. I wonder if they try to crank the oven up to 500 degrees to shave off that pesky extra 5 minutes.
-You can tell pregnant women ANYTHING and they will believe it. It is astronomical. For this reason, they actually think being pregnant in the summer is SOOOOO much worse than it is for everyone else. Now, I will note that I am sweating a little more than usual and, while that is very, very gross, it isn't exactly what I describe as "miserable". Maybe I have different standards for "miserable". To me, the vision of that is when you have that really awful cold that stuffs you up and makes your throat raw so you look like a puffer fish with cracked lips and clinging to a bottle of throat spray as your only friend. Being a little sweaty? Meh. Newsflash: It's 90 degrees for everyone, you just feel the need (and right?) to bitch more.
-Pregnant women like for the whole world to know they are pregnant and, if you do not acknowledge this, you are taking your life in your own hands. There is a certain sector of the pregnant community that finds the need to remind everyone on a weekly basis that they are growing a human life in them. This is a very cool thing, but people will remember without the constant Facebook posts bitching about it, photos of your belly morphing into the alien life it currently is, and, my personal favorite, shirts indicating that you are not in fact smuggling a watermelon (Which of course, makes me think of the scene in Dirty Dancing... "I carried a watermelon"....Pregnant women can also seem to have short attention spans).
-There's this odd "thunder" thing that women have going on right now. Think: "She's stealing my thunder". I first saw this when I watched Bridezillas and the brides would become irrationally irate if someone they knew, at one point knew, was related to or happened to run into on the street was getting married within 18 months of their wedding. This seems to carry over into the pregnant world. I have read so many posts about women upset because someone else they know DARED to get pregnant at the same time as them. IMPOSSIBLE! Ladies, get over it. Unless you completely isolate yourself, your thunder is apparently fair game.
This has all lead me to a theory that an underground society with the purpose of slowing the population of the earth is behind the pregnancy forums because, if you read this stuff, you will never choose to get pregnant. In fact, ripping your ovaries out will seem the better option. We all know there are a lot of uncomfortable aspects of packing on 30 extra pounds and having a human life squirming in you. Well duh. And trust me, I don't thrive off of this. I am not a glowing pregnant woman. I hide from mirrors, whine to my husband about an aching back, groan at my maternity clothes, pop Tylenol to ease sciatic pain, etc, etc. I will not miss being pregnant. But I also have a secret for you all....
....
....
....it isn't that bad. I've had hangovers much, much worse than this.
Now, I have to add here that if you are a pregnant woman who has been on bedrest, dealt with complications, had fears of preterm labor, or any of those ACTUAL scary things, you have all my sympathy and please, bitch all you want.
But the rest of you?
Shut up already.
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